Checking in...

Hmmm... what do I need to say? There is so much going on in my head and in my heart and I am still trying to make sense of it all. I let the genie out of the bottle and I now understand that I can't get it back in, so the only thing to do is to move forward.

So walk it I must. When I took the blue pill (or is it the red pill, I can never remember) I opened a door and walked through it, and the door closed behind me. I simply can't go back. Life really is a one way journey, isn't it?

Since I 'morphed' (just realized that both pics are about metamorphosis) into the space I currently occupy, I also expanded my empathic ability. Or more correctly, it's always been there, but I don't have my old tool (aka the food coma) to stop myself from hearing the Voice who is my guide, and feeling the energies of others who are in pain. Thank goodness I have had the people who share their experiences at Spiritual Book Club to learn from. And I am especially grateful for the teachings of EagleSpirit who helps empaths to cope with and step into their gift, among other amazing things she does. In a seminar I saw EagleSpirit speak about being empathic, she advises that we can 'check in' with ourselves to find out if what we are feeling is ours or if it belongs to someone else.

So that's what I've been doing as I've been hit by these incredible waves of sadness, panic and general messiness these past few months. It took me until the last few weeks to 'check in' and it has helped me so much it's becoming a regular thing. The first time I stilled myself and asked, "Is this mine?, are you okay?, what do you need me to hear?," I felt such a resounding gratitude from the Voice that I was finally asking. That's exactly what it felt like, pure pleasure and delight. And then the feelings of inexorable sadness that has made me weep more in the past few weeks than I think I've ever wept before, simply disappeared.

I knew I was onto something.

It has happened several times since then and instead of letting it pull me down into the greys, I check in, and the mist of sadness leaves. It happened again this weekend and while I need to give my husband the chance to express his panic (some men are much the poorer for not having the ability to talk about things that trouble them), there is something inside of me that still takes on the blame for our troubles. (Come to think of it, he does it too. What a pair we are.)

But again, checking in allowed me to realize it wasn't my fear, and to just let it go. Thank goodness. A walk on the beach, hearing the waves lap against the sandy shore, a few rocks gathered (such an addiction I have!) and a few laughs at the sheer joy of my dog Lulu galloping over the wet sand and I was back to my normal, level, calm, self.

I say thank goodness also, because letting go freed up my mind to open my heart to a revelation.

So... not sure if I've mentioned my heart's desire here: to map my desires, to lead a desire-based life? The pull in me has been strong ever since I first landed on daniellelaporte.com? I have been speaking about it for weeks or even months, but FINALLY did something about it. I signed up for her Desire Map package. (It's a whole other blog to talk about why I didn't take her up on her birthday freebie day instead of paying for it in installments... sigh.)

She speaks to me in a way that no one else has. She is all about desires and core desired feelings. Because as she says, when you are striving to get where you want to be...

"You’re not chasing the goal itself,
you’re actually chasing a feeling."

And as a woman who is all about the feelings, and as an admitted empath who feels everyone else's feeling on top of my own, isn't happiness, peace, joy really how we want to feel?  So, by always checking in with my core desired feelings (still working on them) I will have a map to guide me. It all fits so perfectly to me I am humbled at this gift.

Another thing I adore about Danielle Laporte is that she drops the 'f-bomb' and isn't afraid to be real. I get that she's a human who struggles and is not perfect. I love that she admits that. And as for her 'edge', well...

This is another thing that I just have to embrace about my wholehearted Self; I am not all soft edges and niceness. I have an inner bitch too. Thank you Danielle for making it okay for me to admit it and maybe even grow to like it some day.

She may not be for everyone, but she is for me and I encourage you to explore her site to see if she fits you (And oh yes, I've got my eye on "Your Big Beautiful Book Plan" but patience grasshopper).

For far too long in my life I've denied myself My Self because I've been afraid of how I will be received. Even in my journey to spiritual peace I am cautious. But something clicked this weekend and I finally opened up to Hubby about all the stuff I've been thinking and learning about these past few weeks. I was able to encapsulate it in a way that he was able to take in and relate to (yay me! yay him!).

And you know what? It felt good to be more clear about where I'm headed and what I believe. I'm grateful he listened with an open heart, and I'm grateful to myself for trusting that he would, but also being okay if he wasn't.

 So, there you have it. This pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?!